Frustration. Thankfulness. Blessings.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31.

I cannot begin to explain how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted I have been this past week. It's been quite a tough week at work and it has taken a toll on me. I cannot go into detail about all of the things going on at work but as a Social Worker in Child Protective Services, lets just say I've seen things I wish children did not have to endure and the evil of this world that I wish did not exist. As I was telling my friend last night, some days I wish I still had no idea the full extent of the evil in this world; the laziness, selfishness, and unprofessional-ism of the cops, county attorneys, and other professionals I have to work with on a daily basis, as well as the heartbreak, hurt, sadness, lonely-ness, anger, etc. of the children I attempt to keep safe. I wish there was not a need for me to have to interview parents, siblings, etc. about physical, emotional, sexual abuse and neglect; to watch parents chose drugs over their children, to look into the eyes of an alleged perpetrator knowing they did some awful thing to a vulnerable child and not have the power to do anything about it. And sometimes, not be able to keep a child safe because the cops or county attorney does not want to do anything. To know you have to wait until Monday to get an ex-parte order signed by a judge because the county attorney is out of the office and does not have a back up plan for when they have to be gone. Or when you have explained to a cop multiple times why the child is imminent danger right now but they won't take the child into police protective custody because they don't want to have to find a temporary foster home or watch the child for an hour as they go through intake. I wish I was back to the naivete of not knowing those things. Yes, some days I would prefer to be inexperienced and dumb to the things that exist in this sinful world.

The system is broken. I am not just talking about the food stamp, cash assistance, foster care parts of the system that makes the news from time to time. I am talking about the system as a whole. Yes, the reason for the system is for the people who may be on food stamps, cash assistance, "depending" on the state for medical cards, etc. Most people focus on what they hear on the news or the debates about people needing to take a drug test before getting food stamps or cash assistance. Because of this most people assume the people on welfare are just lazy, not wanting to work, and are taking advantage of the system. Don't get me wrong, I see a lot of people on a daily basis who are taking advantage of the system. But there is an incredible amount of people who are still on the system because they are vulnerable, have grown up in an environment which has taught them to be dependent, and where if they were not depending on the system would be incapable of succeeding in life and more children would be in the state's custody. Community resources are difficult to find, people are not always able to finish their educations because they had to drop out to fend for themselves at an early age, the life cycle they are stuck in thanks to their parents, the culture of poverty they grew up in, and the people who create and maintain the system not knowing how to get on this populations level and actually help.

But guess what, professionals are part of that system as well. Whether its the social worker in child protective service who is passionate about helping others and is trying to advocate for the vulnerable and oppressed client population; the cops and county attorneys who are either lazy and not doing a good job or the ones who are doing everything in their ability to make their clients succeed in life; the state governor who states he's working to strengthen the welfare programs but who has an agenda of his own, or other state employees who write the policies. Unfortunately, my stress and anger towards the job I work in is due to the professionals and not the messed up families I am serving every day. It's kind of sad that I have more compassion and willingness to work with the families who are so messed up, doing corrupt and evil things to each other, than I am excited to work with the other professionals who are supposed to be on my side. Here we are supposed to be working together towards the same goal, but in fact we seem to be working against each other so that if a child is seriously injured or dies, we have someone else to blame for not keeping that child safe. I know, it's totally messed up.

So, on Monday, I will head back to my office. I will interview that child who is getting abused by her mom. I will work with the cop who is already having a bad day and not wanting to put a child into police protective custody because he does not want to do the paperwork. I will send up an affidavit to the county attorney, for the third time, on a child I feel is at serious risk. And when a child is getting pulled into police protective custody, I will explain to the parents, who are freaking out, threatening and cussing at me, they won't be able to see their child until next week after they go before a judge. And I will do this because I love helping people, being an advocate and voice, part of the support system they need, and so much more. I will look for what's good in this evil world, I will try and be that one safe and stable thing in that child's life. I will do this because I feel God called me to do this work, in this place, at this time.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bring up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound up;" Isaiah 61:1.

With all of that said, I am thankful for so many things in life. I have a job, a house, food. I don't have to rely on the messed up system I work for. I have an amazing husband, incredible friends, a loving God. I grew up in a family that did not abuse me, where I did not have to go into foster care, that loves me no matter what and who supports me in so many ways. I have two degrees, three crazy cats, and more things than I actually need. I would rather have an extremely bad week at work than an awful life. I have the ability to know when I need "me" time and I know what things can recharge me for the week to come. I am Blessed. 

For those who doubt the blessings in their life, who are struggling with things that seem to be out of control and impossible to overcome, know that you are blessed. You have the ability to read this right now. You may think you don't have friends or family that love you, but God does and I do too. You were born for a reason and are alive in this very moment.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

After this incredibly stressful and exhausting week, I came home, had dinner with my husband and "daughter", and than was able to enjoy one of the most gorgeous sunsets by my loving Savior. He knew exactly what I needed. He knows exactly what you need too.

I came outside to snap some pictures of my pretty girl and looked up to see an incredible sunset.

Even in bad times, hardships, stress, and exhaustion--focus on your blessings.